If a particular relationship is disliked by the family, if t becomes a reason to destroy the family peace (and mental peace) and if it causes any problem to ones parents, then not only a self restrain must be imposed but such relationships must not be desired at all and must be, therefore, discarded at its very inception.

 

Infact the so called sacrifice done and compromise arrived at in the form of self suppression does not exist and are mere illusions. Both these phenomenon exist primarily because of certain peculiar preconceived notions and ideas developed by us as a result of reading novels, seeing movies and other imaginations based on such conditionings. No compromise or self suppression is if we can recognise that rational and understand the nature of personal desire and social interactions.

 

The events that precede a self suppression or a revolution can be enlisted as follows:

a.       the desire to have a relationship,

b.      the coming into existence of the relationship

c.      the bonding between the individuals, constituting various forms of relationships

d.      the natural and social causes (caste, parents, economic set up etc.) thwarting the normal family and social peace and harmony.

e.      the self restrain imposed or a compromise arrived at so that the conflict do not arise or the conflict rests in peace or a revolution disrupting and readjusting the existing social order, family ties and relationships.

 

If we can analyse, understand, foresee, apprehend and comprehend the trend of social interaction, there will never reach stage d and e, thereby enabling us to direct and speed up social peace, harmony and progress. When one acquires the knowledge of nature of social interactions then the control of personal desires and desirability of relationship becomes choiceless.

 

On analysis of various interactions de hors (independent of) our preconceived notions and ideas of end results following individual relationship[s, we will conclude that we desire no more than the limits prescribed by our parents and social system. Because theirs likes get a priority over ours and , therefore, we need not desire things that they do not want us to receive or that they dislike and forbid, not merely because of any sense of moral obligations but because such restrictions are based on a set of reasonableness, rationality and logical experience. An objective analysis will conclude that in fact there is no conflict between our personal desires, interests and likes and that of our parents etc. If we omit the irrational from our view of the practical and dont fake the realities.

 

Therefore, there is no need to compromise, no need to impose any self restrain, or make a sacrifice or suppress our will, but the need is to desire within limits, desire the rational and obviate conflict between desire, feelings, thoughts and action. A relationship which is disliked by the family destroys thee family and mental peace and causes problems to ones parents is irrational and must not be desired. Thus, not to desire to have or not to pursue such a relationship or initiate such a relationship is neither cowardice nor a self restrain, nor self suppression nor a reaction by reasons of fear or guilt nor a compromise nor is it as sacrifice but is a rational and practical way of leading a happy life.

 

The nature, limit and extent of human relationship also need an analysis. The following relationships primarily and fundamentally subsist between individual human beings:-

 

a.       an intellectual + intellectual bonding - acquaintance

b.      an intellectual - emotional + intellectual emotional bonding - friendship

c.      an intellectual emotional physical + intellectual emotional physical bonding love

d.      a social recognition + an intellectual emotional physical + intellectual emotional physical bonding marriage

e.      a consented physical + physical relationship prostitution

f.       an imposed relationship without consent (physical, emotional or intellectual) or breaking an established relationship by force or any other form of misuse of power - rape

 

It is neither possible nor necessary nor recommendable that every friendship must culminate into love or love or marriage. A friendship simplicitor can independently exist ad infinitum. Thus far and no further is the limit and extent to which individual relationship need traverse. A friendship itself has fathoms depth and potentialities enough to enable two beings to share their core self.

 

A marriage is a socially recognised or a socially sanctioned intellectual emotional physical bonding between two beings. Though basically and fundamentally marriage is a relationship between two individuals but it has become primarily a social function. Consequently a love, therefore, must of necessity end in a marriage, otherwise it will become antithetic to a sacrament marriage based on one man one woman relationship (having a rational foundation)

 

The society (parents, family etc.) therefore do not prohibit an acquaintance and a friendship and do not (need not) interfere or impede in this salutary relationship. But when it is so apprehended that chances exist and subsist that the friendship will culminate into love and thereby thwart the social institution of marriage by demanding a forced recognition and readjustment of existing normal conventions and practices, then such a friendship is looked down on and the reactions become sharp and violent for it disturbs the status quo, otherwise the sailing is smooth and easy.

 

Aruneshwar Gupta

28.03.1981

 

I am glad that my first years were in a ordered world, for though it passed still the memory holds of what it means to a child to live in such a world, where adults were calm and confident and children knew the boundaries beyond which they could not go and yet within which they lived secure

 

My Several worlds

Pearl S. Buck

(Autobiography)